Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
