I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im holly from the hills drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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