You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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