If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
