bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
