her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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