I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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