I looked at my own cervix.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
