All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
even my farts smell like vagina
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
