I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
