i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
