At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
