Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
