Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
