You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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