This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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