I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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