Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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