Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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