first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think my vagina is haunted
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
