so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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