I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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