Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
