I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
