Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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