The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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