I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
