I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
