even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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