I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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