The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
