I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Im part way to drunk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
