I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
