He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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