I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
