somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
