Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
