how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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