Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
