I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
