I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
