woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We don't watch enough power rangers
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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