her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
