Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
