I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
