I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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