Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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