Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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