Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone shattered a urinal.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
