Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
someone owes me an orgasm
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize