Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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