That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
