Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
