I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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