drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
