Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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